What do you know about domestic violence?
I was shocked to discover a work colleague was experiencing domestic violence.
This was in the 1990s and, like many, I thought DV was physical. It’s not.
It’s all-pervasive and has all the hallmarks of coercive control which can affect a victim/survivor’s emotional, sexual, social, financial and physical wellbeing.
My colleague’s case was first financial abuse and later sexual abuse: her partner, a senior executive was instrumental in her not arriving at work on time, missing meetings to the point where her job was in jeopardy.
That’s the other thing. Perpetrators can be the well-dressed, polite boss who you wouldn’t dream of being engaged in such abusive behaviour.
Financial abuse can occur where “women are forced out of their jobs, made to work fewer hours, earn less money, and are less able to provide for themselves and their children if they leave the violent relationship,” according to Dr Anne Summers, AO, Professor of Domestic and Family Violence at the University of Technology Sydney in her latest report.
Another interesting fact is that the responsibility, blame and shame for domestic violence is most often levelled at the victim/survivor, and not the perpetrator.
Domestic violence can be years in the making to manipulate and disable the very fabric of a victim/survivor’s self-esteem and existence.
The Sydney Family Therapy Training Institute says that domestic violence is “deliberate” where “perpetrators make a planned and deliberate choice to use violence against women and children. They anticipate and take steps to suppress a victim’s resistance to their violence.”
The other takeout in this often dangerous and complex situation is that psychotherapists need to see through the manipulation of a perpetrator and see the nuanced steps of survivors/victims in their attempts to resist the violence in a way that guarantees their safety.
Survivors/victims don’t give up. They just need to operate in a way that guarantees their and their children’s safety.
As a psychotherapist, It is important to note how survivors of violence respond physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually to the positive or negative response they receive from others.
There’s the need to empower a client experiencing domestic abuse but in a way that doesn’t endanger them or their children. It’s important, therefore, to listen to their acts of resistance – such as showering after a sexual assault, or divulging to a trusted-colleague or boss the real reason they are late for meetings.
Women and children may not conceptualise or see what they do as acts of resistance. It involves careful questioning such as: “What did you do? How did you do that? What went through your mind? What did the perpetrator do next? “
Listen and take seriously where mothers and children are at, and what they think will make things better. Children can and want to talk about their experience of violence.
Also listen carefully to what perpetrators are saying and doing so you can work out what is actually going on.
And finally, survivors/victims who receive positive social responses tend to recover more quickly and fully, are more likely to work with authorities, and are more likely to report violence in the future.
1. Response-based practice. Home Truths: Rethinking Our Approach to Family Violence. Family and Community Services (FACS), 2017.
2. Summers, A, (2025). The cost of domestic violence to women's employment. Report published 28 February 2025. feminist and journalist Dr Anne Summers AO, Professor of Domestic and Family Violence at the University of Technology Sydney, with support from the Paul Ramsay Foundation.
https://www.uts.edu.au/news/2025/02/cost-domestic-violence-womens-employment
3. Wade. A. (1997). Small Acts of Living: Everyday resistance to violence and other forms of oppression. Contemporary Family Therapy 19 (1) March 1997 pg. 23:39. http://solutionscentre.org/pdf/wade_1997.pdf
#psychology #psychotherapy #counselling #domesticviolence #trauma #kdkruegerpsychotherapy #DrAnneSummers #UTS